Family Court Gender Bias: Not A Myth
Before we get started, some important background:
(If the letter’s tough to read, here’s the link to a PDF version of it: https://tinyurl.com/kenzpbkj)
My Story
My ex-wife is an abuser, and her name is Tamika Harris.
She’s the mother of my son Christopher, and the ex-stepmother of my daughter Hannah.
Why do I share her name? For the same reason we identify bank robbers or reveal the identities of priests who molest children:
Accountability.
The same accountability she’s successfully eluded for years, while simultaneously continuing her abusive treatment of me and my children, aided by the family court system.
More on that in a bit. For now, here’s a brief history:
- Tamika Harris and I separated in 2014 and divorced in 2016.
- In 2017, Hannah came to me, visibly upset. Apparently, Tamika Harris had befriended her mother (this was a calculated, purposeful maneuver; more on that later) and was continuing to see Hannah in private and social settings. This is significant because Tamika Harris and I didn’t end our marriage on amicable terms, and we aren’t friends; so, ever since our marriage ended, she’s never had access to Hannah through me.
- Hannah explained to me how uncomfortable it made her to be around Tamika Harris, saying she didn’t want to have any interactions with her at all. When I asked why, she said it was because of the abusive treatment she’d witnessed Tamika Harris inflict on me, and abuse to which she’d subjected Hannah herself (I didn’t know about this abuse before then).
- I immediately contacted the Durham Crisis Response Center to get Hannah some professional help. They assigned a therapist, Shea Spampneto, who met with her weekly for the next 5 months.
- At the conclusion of Shea’s therapeutic treatment of Hannah, she summarized her findings in the letter above, verifying the abuse to which Tamika Harris had subjected us and strongly urging she have no further contact with Hannah, as Hannah had requested.
- As a father concerned about the safety and well-being of my daughter, I initiated family court proceedings to try to put in place protections for Hannah, based on what she’d shared, which Shea verified in her findings.
And it’s all gone downhill from there.
Why Am I Sharing My Story Now?
I’m a very private, introverted person by nature. Those who really know me know I shun the spotlight, couldn’t care less about things like social media, and don’t do any of the work I do in the community or through the MHF for attention or acclaim. So, I’m not entirely comfortable sharing some of the more personal details of my life on a public stage, and it gives me no pleasure disclosing the history of Tamika Harris’s abuse of me and my children.
Also, we all make mistakes (Lord knows I have), and I’m generally not a proponent of using someone’s past against them, especially not if they’ve atoned for their misdeeds, taken ownership of what they’ve done wrong, and genuinely changed their ways.
But Tamika Harris has done none of these things.
In fact, she still engages in the same abusive, bullying behavior she’s subjected me to for years, even threatening to take more legal action against me based on more false accusations, just weeks ago (more on her lengthy history of leveling false accusations against me in a bit).
So that said, I’ve decided to share my story of abuse at the hands of Tamika Harris for a greater purpose: that abuse has been compounded by the blatant gender bias endemic in the family court system. This bias is a major driving factor behind family court judges consistently ruling in favor of mothers, regardless of the clear maliciousness of the mothers’ intent, and it needlessly deprives fathers of the ability to have healthy, meaningful relationships with their children.
What Exactly Is Gender Bias?
Essentially, it’s the propensity of family court judges to favor mothers in their custodial rulings. Gender bias is not a myth, nor is it an unsubstantiated allegation. It’s the daily reality fathers like me have been forced to accept for years, despite our best efforts.
According to recent findings by the U.S. Census Bureau, out of nearly 14 million separated parents with custody of a child, more than 82% of them are mothers. This figure is corroborated by similar stats showing roughly 90% of all child support is paid to mothers.
While bias of any kind is generally difficult to prove, an objective analysis of results is one good way to confirm it. For example, racial bias in the criminal justice system can be tough to validate, but as Paul Butler masterfully demonstrates in his book Chokehold, measuring the empirical impact of arrest and sentencing data between whites, blacks, and Latinos reveals clear-cut favoritism for certain races over others. It also highlights disturbing trends showing blacks and Latinos being consistently sentenced more harshly for the same crimes as their white counterparts. Take all these different factors into consideration, and it’s pretty easy to confirm racial bias exists in the criminal justice system.
Likewise, I can confirm gender bias has played a major role in the results of my family court proceedings with Tamika Harris for years. I’ll break down proof of this bias in more explicit detail in the subsequent posts I’ll be sharing on this topic. For now, though, here are a few examples:
- True to her abusive, controlling nature, Tamika Harris has filed 3 separate show cause and custody modification actions against me in just 3 years, all with the intent of gaining sole custody of Chris. For those who may not know, a show cause motion is legal action one parent can file against another, in an attempt to prove s/he has violated the terms of their custody order. As any attorney will attest, filing 3 such motions in 3 years is extreme.
In each of the motions Tamika Harris has filed against me, she’s leveled a host of false allegations about me and my parenting of Chris, regularly accusing me of abusing him, endangering his safety — and she’s routinely alleged I have serious mental health problems (I don’t). Despite the lack of actual evidence supporting her false allegations, the family court judges handling the cases have consistently ruled in her favor (I’ll be naming these judges in later posts).
- In their rulings against me, the judges have summarily ignored entire swaths of evidence and testimony presented on my behalf, all of which disprove Tamika Harris’s claims (I’ll be sharing these items of evidence in later posts).
- Perhaps most telling of all: the same judges have also completely ignored a preponderance of evidence and testimony highlighting dozens of purposeful, willful violations of our custody order Tamika Harris has committed, without even giving her so much as a slap on the wrist (I’ll be sharing this evidence in later posts as well).
And I might add: I’ve regularly introduced testimony and evidence of the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse Tamika Harris has inflicted upon me and my children, all of which the judges have ignored. So in essence, a family court system ostensibly designed to protect children has routinely endangered the health and safety of mine by rewarding their abuser with increased control and authority over their lives…
…no, gender bias is not a myth.
The Link Between Gender Bias And Domestic Abuse
I mentioned earlier how Tamika Harris befriended Hannah’s mother, in a calculated, purposeful maneuver. To be clear, as her ex-stepmother, Tamika Harris has no custodial rights to Hannah, and all the legal action she’s taken against me has involved only Chris.
So, why would she do that?
Leverage.
One of the hallmark tactics abusers employ is alienating their victims from their families, friends, and loved ones; this helps consolidate their control over them. Just like she’s spread lies and false allegations about me in court documents and proceedings, Tamika Harris has done the same with my family members for years — including my daughter’s mother, with whom I had a healthy co-parenting relationship for 14 years. Thanks to Tamika Harris’s efforts, that relationship has now become toxified.
What does this have to do with gender bias?
Because of Tamika Harris’s toxification of my co-parenting relationship with Hannah’s mother, I’ve now had to face the same challenges in family court with her, which has negatively impacted my relationship with Hannah as well.
It all ties together.
Furthermore, given Tamika Harris’s demonstrated abusive history towards my daughter, and the fact that she’s never apologized or taken ownership of that abuse, I have grave concerns about why she insists on remaining involved in Hannah’s life — as any parent should — as well as why her mother continues to allow it, especially considering the warnings against such involvement issued by Hannah’s therapist.
And of course, it’s strange that family court judges seem to have no problem with granting such access to a proven abuser…
…no, gender bias is not a myth.
My Overall Goal
Again, I’m not writing this series of articles for personal gain or petty, vindictive purposes. My overriding motivation is ensuring the health and safety of my children.
However, my greater overall goal is highlighting the pervasive damage unchecked gender bias in the family court system continues to cause in the lives of fathers and their kids. By sharing my story, as well as those of other men I know, I hope it inspires the requisite reforms that need to be made to the system, so other fathers can be spared the same inequitable treatment that’s hindered me and my kids for years.
In my next post:
“Findings of Fact”…?
“Conclusions of Law”…?
Matters of (biased) opinion.